Every day we are asked to do things by our family, friends, patients, bosses, staff and sometimes industry. We can’t possibly say yes to everything, yet when we say no, we often feel guilty that we’ve let someone down or missed out on an opportunity. There is an art to saying no, but most of us find it difficult, especially when part of what we value or how we see ourselves is based on what we do for others. That is the basis of our jobs as physicians. Every day we wake up and our mission is, “How can I help someone today?”

BALANCING PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL

With the growth of social media, we can now see everything that our family, friends and colleagues are involved in. This has given us all a case of FOMO (fear of missing out) on more than one occasion. The pressure to be relevant is incredible in all aspects of our lives, and saying no has become more difficult. Finding that balance between family and work is a lifelong challenge.

Some of us have added working in academics, doing mission work overseas, volunteering in our communities or becoming key opinion leaders (KOLs). All these commitments can make us feel pushed to the limit, rushed, overwhelmed and perennially behind. Most of us keep up the vicious cycle of demands and commitments and push forward to the next thing without a moment to breathe. Ultimately, what we thought would make us happy and fit into our personal and professional goals leaves us feeling exhausted and less than 100% in each part of our lives. As a result, the most common casualties are our self-care and personal relationships.

HOW DO WE FIND BALANCE?

Can we say no? How do we say no? If we say no, will we lose an opportunity that may not present itself again? What happens if we deviate from our career path to focus on ourselves and our families? Can we become involved again? Will anyone care what we think or do? How do we break out of the endless cycle of demands and develop a meaningful life and career that we are proud of and comfortable with?

I certainly don’t have the answers to all these questions. My career objective as a young person was to become a world-famous academic physician: teach, practice and do research. Along came marriage and children, and suddenly those goals changed. I opened my own practice and focused on my family and building the practice. I kept my head down and limited myself to those two main parts of my life. It wasn’t until my children were older, independent and out of the house that I re-engaged those original objectives to do research, write, speak and become involved in the field I love.

Now, I am more comfortable with saying no. For example, I limit the number of meetings I attend to primarily those when I’m speaking in order to use my time off with my family.

Your personal goals are a long-term strategy with options and paths along the way. A temporary departure from professional goals doesn’t mean that all is lost. You can focus on your immediate demands while keeping your long-term career trajectory in your sights.

A WAKE-UP CALL

Our career paths may deviate from what we might have hoped, but we know for sure that those moments with our partner, children and friends aren’t promised. I was reminded of this when one of my best friends recently passed away at the age of 54 after a short fight with brain cancer. She spent the last 12 years of her life taking care of her husband, who suffered a stroke at age 46, leaving him with brain damage and left side hemi-paralysis.

I reflect on our friendship and am filled with sadness, “should’ves” and “could’ves.” I know that I was a good friend, but many times when I could have supported and spent time with her I was focused on my family, growing my practice or traveling to speak at a meeting. Her story has reminded me to continuously reassess my goals, wake up every day with gratitude, acknowledge my love for the people in my life, leave myself time to breathe and say no more often. OM

Lisa K. Feulner, MD, PhD, is Ophthalmology Management’s chief medical editor. She is the founder and CEO of Advanced Eye Care & Aesthetics in Bel Air, Md., where she specializes in cataract surgery, medical and surgical glaucoma care and dry eye disease.